Selfishness

Over the years I have been very open about the medical issues that have impacted my life.  I have always advocated taking care of yourself, as well.  For the past year my father has fighting the uphill fight with cancer.  Due to many factors treatment options have been limited and we are now at the end of the road.  I am not sure how much longer we have with him, and frankly I don’t want to know.  Over the past month or so we, my family, have made sure to make every minute count.  We have taken extended out of town weekends, we celebrated his birthday in style… 

Unfortunately he past two weeks have been extremely difficult on the cancer front.  My mom and I provided round the clock care for him (give me a second and I will address hospice) which can be exhausting.  Hospice has been brought up multiple times, it is an option to ensure the end of one’s life is as comfortable as possible.  From my understanding, the issue with hospice is once it starts most other medical care stops.  While it is in the home it is still not around the clock care, nurses and CNAs (among other individuals) come in on a regular basis every week to help care for the patient.  This is something we have discussed but there are still medical treatments that are being utilized for my dad (not directly related to cancer, but definitely an indirect correlation).  So, we do have in home care involved, just not to the hospice level. 

Now, what does all of this have to do with being selfish?  A lot!  I take great pride knowing I am helping my parents through a very difficult time but I also know I need to take care of myself otherwise my lupus with stop me dead in my tracks and I will be of no use to anyone and I will need someone to care for me.  I have sat down with my mom and broken the day up into sections.  I take this time off and she takes that time off.  I could care less if she sets up a lawn chair in the front yard and takes a nap or goes and gets her hair done.  My time can be used for beating the snot out of a heavy bag or going through the drive thru at Dutch Bros getting my fill on their amazing coffee!  As a caregiver it might seem selfish to take time for yourself but nothing could be further from the truth.  If you do not take care of yourself then you are of no use.  So caregivers… be a little selfish!!!!

Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.

–Swami Sivananda

There I am!!!

This time of year has always been hard for me and this year a little more so than usual.  A few weeks ago I realized I seemed to have lost myself and that hit me pretty hard.  Since then I continued moving forward almost like a zombie, I did what I had to do but that was about it. 

Yesterday I was on the last stretch of my run (on the dreadmill) and I looked up WAAAAAYYYYYY across the gym in the mirror I saw my reflection. I almost burst into tears because I realized I had just found me.  Ironically, I was listening to Lose Yourself by Eminem. 

When acting as a caregiver for others it is so imperative to make sure you take time to take care of yourself.  This was one rule my sister set down on day one, but unfortunately it doesn’t happen as it should.  My sister notified everyone that I WILL get two hours to myself every day.  After the past few weeks I have realized this is NOT an option.  

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to take care of yourself first!!!! When you take care of yourself you take better care of those around you!

Do not let what you can not do; interfere with what you can do.

–John Wooden