Runner in a Broken Body

My emotional ankle is going on three months now.  I was able to deal with no running while I was stuck in a boot but now I am at the point that it hurts if I don’t run, it hurts if I do BUT my inside hurt if I don’t run but feel better if I do (mind you my “running” lately has been 17 minute pace so it isn’t even really running).  Unfortunately, the personal trainer I have been working with is not comfortable with that answer.  Physical therapy has hit a wall (my ankle keeps getting stuck) so they sent me back to ortho who is ordering an MRI.  As much as I hate to acknowledge setbacks, my physical therapist maybe might have a point and I need to find another method to feeling better on the inside.  One thing he recommended is boxing, which I do quite enjoy.  Today I was supposed to go for a run, but trying to listen to everyone I took my training to the pool.  For the past… week, my pleurisy has been acting up, nothing new, I am used to it and I have learned to deal with it quite well.  I did a gentle warm-up and then for the main part of my workout I used my snorkel without the airflow restrictor on.  I figured it would be a play it by ear swim, no equipment (excluding the snorkel) and just flat out enjoyed the water. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I am well aware of the fact that I must give my body time to heal and with lupus it can take longer than “normal”.  I had planned on running a half marathon every month in 2016 but silly me, I did not clear that plan with my dear friend lupus so that plan has gone out the window.  I might need regular reminders that this is for the best because, knowing me, I am going to fight it every step of the way.  Hopefully once I put the gloves back on I will be able to be distracted long enough to heal. 

I am signed up for two 5ks between now and the end of the year and I will do my very best to walk the course and just enjoy life!

Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.

–Thomas Carlyle

Small Wins

To celebrate Halloween I chose to celebrate by “running” my first race since landing on the injured bench.  Knowing the course, I planned on pushing the first mile (downhill) and then let my body (ankle) decide what to do for the last 2.1 miles.  Since this was advertised as a fun run there were a number of non-runners there who were clearly unaware of race etiquette.  Walkers were taking up the entire trail by walking four plus across, the fast runners were even trying to weave through the slow pokes on their way back up the trail.  During my run intervals I was running off of the trail which resulted in pissing off my ankle so I was forced to walk mile 2.  By the start of the third mile I was able to shuffle/walk again.  I had to ice and take meds when I got home but it felt wonderful!  I have a long road of recovery ahead of me but I am back on that road and enjoying the scenery.  You have to take baby steps and takes wins when they come. 

Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.

–Thomas Carlyle

Strength

I can’t help but to think about the past two years.  The ups and downs and downs and downs and ups and downs have been more than one person can handle.  Luckily, I have never been alone.  I have had family going through this nightmare with me and I have had friends who have helped keep my head up.  I am not exactly sure where the family ends and the friends begin because I have non-blood family and blood friends. 

At the beginning of the year I set goals for myself, little did I know that this year would continue the issues from last year.  In order to compensate for everything I pushed myself to the point of injury.  Fortunately, I did not push myself into a full-fledged flare (I have been in a flare for the better part of the year, but I have been able to work around it).  At the end of August my body finally forced me to stop and I ended up in a walking boot due to an ankle injury, but I am now free!  I won’t say I am back at square one as far as training is concerned, because I am not.  I have more knowledge now than I had when I originally started any of my training.  I have learned, hopefully I will actually start listening to my body before it gets to the point of breaking.  I have accomplished one of my goals for this year, graduate, and I would have done so with suma cum laude, if the school actually did that but it doesn’t.  I have started enjoying life again, but there is still a degree of sadness in my heart.  I try to celebrate my dad and his life as often as possible.  Whenever I get done I try to remember things my dad did that would make us laugh.  Love, I can honestly I am finally falling in love with myself.  I am proud of who I am becoming, flaws and all.  As far as training goes, my goals have changed significantly.  I have three 5Ks coming up through the end of the year and I could give a rats tush if I have to walk the whole way, there is nothing wrong with walking races for the simple fact I am out there, I am trying and I am having fun!

The biggest thing over the past two years is strength.  You honestly have no idea how truly strong you are until you have no other choice.  

Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.

–Swami Sivananda